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09 September 2008 @ 08:17 am
Vignettes - Desperate Times  

Title: Desperate Times
Author: ladygray99 
Chapter: 1/1
Pairing: (Charlie/Colby) Ian/Don (sorta)
Rating: FRC
Disclaimer: Not Mine
Warnings: Silly verging on crack.
Summary: In a moment of desperation Don’s willing to do just about anything to escape.
Previous Chapters: Part of Vignettes ‘verse after Teething.
Notes: I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a Vignette.  This is a very belated birthday present for autumnwriting  who asked for funny.  I don’t normally do funny but this weird, mutant little bunny hopped out yesterday and I thought it was kinda fun.  As always I love me some feedback.
Beta(s): none


Desperate Times


 Ian smirked as the air hockey puck slid past Don's weak defence for the win.

 “Damn it.” Don huffed.

 There was a whimper and a half cry from a small bassinet.  Ian looked over at Esther who despite being dosed with baby aspirin almost twenty minutes ago was still chewing furiously on a frozen ring and looking none too pleased about it.

 At the blackboard Charlie stopped mid equation and banged his head softly against it.  Ian had to say that Charlie was not looking much better than he had the last time Ian was in town and that had been months ago.  The professor was obviously not sleeping much and run half into the ground.

 “All right, that’s it.” Charlie said firmly.  He put down the chalk and lifted Esther out of the bassinet. “Sweetie, Daddy loves you very much and I know that your mouth hurts but I need a little peace and quiet so I can catch bad guys so your Uncle Don and Uncle Ian are going to take you to the park for at least an hour. Ok? Good.”

 ‘Uncle Ian?’ Ian thought with some amusement.

 Before Don could even open his mouth to object Charlie had shoved Esther into his arms.

 “Her stroller and bag are by the door and there’s fresh ice rings in the freezer.”


 “Out, all three of you. Now.” Charlie said firmly pointing to the door.  Don looked slightly affronted but Ian just chuckled to himself.  He couldn’t even guess at the number of times his mother had told him to take one of his brothers or sisters outside before she killed the lot of them.

 “Come on Eppes.  I know where I’m not wanted.”

 Since it was cold out the first task was to squeeze the little girl into something that made her look like an oversized pink marshmallow.  The whole time she gave Ian a look of more than slight disapproval as if she already knew she was in LA and looking very unfashionable.

 After that was the debate as to who was going to push the stroller and who got stuck lugging around large pink bag with yellow bunnies on it.  In the end Don pulled rank as Agent in Charge and Ian slung the bunny bag over one shoulder as they headed out into a grey LA winter day.

 Ian smiled to himself at the picture he and Don must make pushing the stroller carefully down the street.  He wondered how many people driving past saw them and jumped to completely the wrong conclusion.  Probably all of them.  Ian resisted the temptation to throw an arm around Don’s shoulder just to complete the look of committed-gay-couple-with-baby.

 By the time they got to the park Esther had settled down and drifted into sleep.  Don let out a long sigh, shoulders slumping and tucked the blanket in around her.

 “They aren’t as easy as they look, are they?” Ian said with a grin.

 “I keep telling the guys they should get a nanny or something but they don’t want to risk some weirdo influencing her early development.”

 “Uh, Don, they let Larry baby sit.”

 Don chuckled. “I know but I guess its better the weirdo you know, right?”

 Ian checked his watch.  It was another forty minutes at least before Charlie would let them back in the house. They picked a bench near the end of a little cul-de-sac in the park.  Ian let himself relax as Don pushed the stroller gently back and fourth softly humming something that sounded suspiciously like Ruby Tuesday.

 Suddenly Don tensed and Ian was quickly on alert.  Ian looked around, the only other person in the area was a blond woman in her forties walking down the path towards them with a small dog.

 “Shit.” Don hissed and was desperately looking around as if for an escape route. 

 “What is it?” Ian said softly not seeing the threat.  Don quickly plucked Esther out of her stroller and held her to his chest.

 “Shit. Shit. Ian, I’m asking you a huge favour.”


 “Make like you love me.” Don said face full of fear and voice thick with desperation.  Before Ian could even reply or ask for an explanation Don scooted over so they were hip to hip.  Don snaked his free arm around Ian’s waist and crossed his legs so he was practically in Ian’s lap and suddenly they were that picture of committed gay bliss Ian had been thinking about earlier.  Ian wasn’t sure if this was a sick joke or a wet dream.

 Don went very still and kept his eyes focused on the ground.  It was a classic, ‘maybe if I don’t look at them they won’t see me’, tactic.

 The woman with the dog however noticed them.

 “Donnie!” She squealed.

 Don’s head shot up. “Simone.” He half gushed, a broad and incredibly fake smile on his face.

 “Oh my God, Donnie, I can’t believe it.  I just got into LA a week ago and here you are, it must be fate.” There was a slightly unbalanced look in the woman’s eyes and Ian almost winced at how tightly Don was holding onto him.

 “Must be.” Don said and Ian could feel the undertone of raw fear in Eppes voice, something he’d never heard before.

 “And who’s this?” The woman asked her voice just a little harder. 

 Don’s grin broadened.  “This is Ian.  My fiancé.”

 Ian saw something freeze and crack in the woman’s eyes.  She wasn’t armed as far as Ian could tell but she was within arms reach and he was sure that little dog of hers could bite.

 “Your fiancé?” the woman asked, her voice tightening just that much more. 

 Don let go of Ian’s waist and grabbed his hand instead. “Well for another six months, then my husband.”

 Ian smiled and gave Don’s hand a squeeze “That reminds me,” Ian said turning to Don slightly. “If we don’t get that finalized guest list to your father, today, he’s going to kill us.”

 Ian saw the look of pure thanks and relief in Don’s eyes. “As soon as we get home, Hun, I promise.”

 Ian looked up at the woman, her jaw had clenched and there was a glassy hint to her eyes.

 “And is that your child?” The woman asked.  Ian was sure he could hear the slight waver the preceded tears in her voice.

 “Yep.” Don said enthusiastically. “This is Margaret, our little angel.” Ian bit down the urge to laugh as Esther opened her eyes and hit her ‘Dad’ with a look of complete confusion, obviously having no more idea as to what was going on than Ian did. “We were going to wait until after the wedding,” Don continued. “But then the surrogate we wanted became available and there was just no saying no.”

 “I think that’s been the theme of our whole relationship,” Ian said with a grin. “Never say no.”

 Don gave a wicked smile and let his hand slid up Ian’s thigh. “Well how can I when you always make such reasonable offers?”

 The woman now looked like she was on the verge of a full out crying fit. “Well I’m very happy for you Don.” She said tightly.

 “Thank you, Simone.” Don gushed. “I’ve never been so happy.  All those years I guess I was just waiting for a tall, dark, handsome, stranger to sweep me off my feet.”

 Ian was really trying not to laugh now considering the fact that he had met Don by literally running into him hard enough that they both went sprawling across a Quantico hallway.

 The woman gave a tight nod. “Well, I’ve got to go, I’ll see you around Don.”

 Don gave her a smile and a friendly wave and she turned and hurried off dragging her dog behind her.  As soon as she was out of sight Don scooted away and lay Esther back down in her stroller. 

 “Ok, Eppes, not that that wasn’t entertaining but why did we just get engaged for the purposes of making that woman cry?”

 Don leaned forward and buried his face in his hands.  “That woman is Simone Rodgers and she has been stalking me on and off since the ninth grade and is possibly the root cause of all my commitment issues.”

 Ian snorted.

 “It’s not funny, I’m serious, she crawls out of the woodwork and finds me.”

 “Maybe she just wants a date.”

 “No.” Don said firmly. “We had a date, one date, freshman year.  She was one of those girls who played flute in the school band, had pictures of unicorns in her locker, and always smelled like incense.”

 “Yeah, I know the type.” Ian said.

 “Well she asked me out and I was desperate and horny enough to say yes.  Turns out while cleaning her flute she’d had a vision of the two of us exchanging flowers or feathers or something and she interpreted it as meaning that we were destined to be together forever.  She tells me this just as I managed to get a hand under her shirt.  I was trying to cop a feel and she was picking out wedding china.”

 Ian cracked up at the look of wide eyed panic on Don’s face just at the memory.

 “I spent the next four years fending her off.  She even tried to make friends with Charlie to get to me.  I figured I could lose her at collage.”

 “Nope?” Ian said trying to hold back the laughter.

 “Junior year she transferred not just to my school but into my dorm claiming she had no idea I was there and it must be fate trying to bring us together.  My batting average tanked.”

 Ian began losing the battle with laughter but Don was on a roll.

 “I get picked up by the Rangers, guess who takes a job in Stockton my second year? The FBI, I run into her not once but twice on fugitive retrieval.  The second time I paid Billy 20 bucks to take her to bed while I slept in the truck thinking maybe she just needed to get laid.”

 Ian lost it and the laughter began to pour out.

 “I don’t know what happened in that room but I do know we left in the small hours of the morning, Billy didn’t say one word to me for three days and for almost a month he slept curled up in this little ball and would whimper in the middle of the night.”

 Ian felt tears begin to roll down his cheeks.

 New Mexico, missing kid case, I end up on the news doing the public appeal.  Guess who calls up the next morning having just so happened to have moved to New Mexico just the week before.  I had to change my number.  I thought I lost her when I came to LA.  I haven’t seen her in years.”

 “Maybe it is fate.” Ian managed to choke out.

 “Not if she was the last woman on earth.” Don said.

 “And if I were the last man on earth?” Ian asked.

 Don snorted. “I’m really sorry Ian.  You were sitting here and it was the best I could come up with.  I owe you big time, it’s just if she knew I was still single I’d never get rid of her.  I’d have to transfer to the Tel Aviv office to shake her off, and if she thought I was a single parent even that wouldn’t do it.  It was a moment of desperation.”

 “Glad to know I’m so high on your list Eppes.”

Don groaned sinking his face back into his hands.
 “What ever you want Ian, just name it.”

 Ian was very tempted to say ‘you, me and a water bed’ but was fairly certain it would just send Don running.  Instead Ian just grinned.

 “I’ll just put it on your tab Eppes.”  Don gave Ian a suspicious look out of the corner of one eye.  “So, in case she comes back, which one of us proposed?”


charleseppes: pic#60255940charleseppes on September 8th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC)
LOL That was a great story!! Man, I can so see Don and Ian doing that! *falls over laughing*
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 8th, 2008 08:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I have no idea where this total bit of weirdness came from but it demanded to be written.
(Deleted comment)
ladygray99: DonSmileladygray99 on September 8th, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
Doesn't it just. Maybe in another 'verse I can manage it.
Devo79: hugdevo79 on September 8th, 2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
Poor Billy *hugs him*
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 8th, 2008 10:12 pm (UTC)
Yeah, Billy never quite forgave Don for that.
(Anonymous) on September 8th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
A Vignettes story (does a happy dance)! I loved this. Thanks for the hearty laughs.

Twins' Mom
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 8th, 2008 11:11 pm (UTC)
:) as soon as I'm done with Whitman I've got about a half dozen Vignettes backlogged. Glad I could make you laugh. I'm never sure if my comedy works.
Jestana: #s: Edgertonjestana on September 8th, 2008 11:29 pm (UTC)
*laughs like mad* Oh, that's wonderful! I'm with Ian on this one. My cheeks are hurting, I'm grinning so much. Bravo! Pity I don't have an Ian/Don icon. *sigh*
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 8th, 2008 11:41 pm (UTC)
Glad I could make you laugh. :-) I've just realized that I haven't slashed Don yet. Of all the silly things to miss. I'm going to have to do that next.
(no subject) - jestana on September 9th, 2008 03:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - tonisimone on November 14th, 2008 12:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
Mia: ianmia_dcwut_09 on September 8th, 2008 11:41 pm (UTC)
this is so funny
i loved it
too bad ian donnie gets someone in then
ian makes me laugh alot
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 8th, 2008 11:42 pm (UTC)
:-) Always glad when I can give a laugh.
(no subject) - mia_dcwut_09 on September 8th, 2008 11:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
mikes_grrl on September 8th, 2008 11:52 pm (UTC)
Awww! I like this fun little series. Ian has his work cut out for him with Don, I fear. Oh well! Thanks for making me smile.

ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC)
Thank you and alas it's never going to happen for poor Ian but he can hope.
Puppy Mamajaciem on September 9th, 2008 12:40 am (UTC)

That's great. Just what I needed, a great big belly laugh!
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC)
Thank you. :-)
Icarus Iso: Tea Addicticarus_iso on September 9th, 2008 01:13 am (UTC)
Ian was really trying not to laugh now considering the fact that he had met Don by literally running into him hard enough that they both went sprawling across a Quantico hallway.

Lol! What a meeting.

So, any more Don & Ian in the works?
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC)
Well not for this 'verse but maybe a little PWP somewhere.
idle_devilidle_devil on September 9th, 2008 02:31 am (UTC)
*dies laughing*

Oh man, that was PRICELESS! Poor Don!!! Simone could give Ian a run for his money in the "Best Tracker" category. XD
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 02:53 am (UTC)
It was all Don could do no to just crawl behind Ian and say 'save me'
perhaps some frottage is in order: [numb3rs] Colby pleasedsororcula on September 9th, 2008 04:42 am (UTC)
Hee! This is really cute. I love it. :-)
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 05:16 am (UTC)
:-) Thank you.
fredbassettfredbassett on September 9th, 2008 07:49 am (UTC)
Oh that was fabulous! I could just imagie the look on Ian's face during Don's recitation. Genius.
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 08:41 am (UTC)
Thank you. It feels nice to get back to Vignettes if just for a bit.
boymommytotwoboymommytotwo on September 9th, 2008 09:36 am (UTC)

oh, i'm so happy to have a new vingette - happy happy happy! i love how it fits with don's and ian's roles in esther's life, and using her to see where each of them stands in relation to the little spit-fire she is. and, as always, the pace and wit make me fall in love all over again.

ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 08:03 pm (UTC)
Ah, thank you dear. I'm trying to get back to writing happier stuff. :-)
callisto24: scarycallisto24 on September 9th, 2008 05:11 pm (UTC)
Love it! :) Thank you!
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 9th, 2008 08:03 pm (UTC)
You're welcome.
Tamanna: don sunshineswingandswirl on September 10th, 2008 12:46 am (UTC)
*frakkin' DIES laughing* Oh, this is priceless! *is going to be giggling at random moments all day*

Poor Ian, though. *pets and offers cookie* Don's taken... maybe Billy'd be interested?
ladygray99ladygray99 on September 10th, 2008 01:50 am (UTC)
you better think up something interesting so say when people ask you what's so funny? ;-)