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22 January 2008 @ 08:06 am
Sing My Body Electric 2/8  
Title: Sing My Body Electric
Author: ladygray99
Chapter: 2/8
Pairing: Charlie/Colby
Rating: NC-17, FRAO P SC GV
Disclaimer: Belongs to other people, not me.
Warnings/Squicks: Violence, Violent Sex, BDSM, and people talking about their feelings.
Summary: With love comes danger both from without and within. – Colby gets shrunk.
Previous chapters: 1
Notes: The long awaited much feared sequel to The Modern Man I Sing.   The second part of Whitman ‘verse. Here there be dragons.  With apologies to irena_adler for the POV thing *g*
Feedback: Right now feedback is what makes my life worth living.
Beta(s):The wonderful riverotter1951 and ri_se tackled this fic, except for the bits I changed ten minutes ago.

 

 
Part Two

Colby and the Shrink

 

Colby looked at his watch and flagged down Don.

 “Hey Don. I gotta go see the shrink.”

 “Again?”

 “Just a follow up. You know how it is, three shootings and they want to make sure you’re not going postal.”

 “Tell me about it. Who are you seeing?”

 Bradford.”

 “Ah. Good guy. Hard ass.”

 “You know him?”

 “He’s been the one poking around my head for the last couple years.”

 “Brave man.”

 “Hey, he got Charlie on the couch for an hour.”

 “Really?”

 “Didn’t get much out of him but....”

 “Distance between zero and one.”

 “You’ve been hanging around Charlie too much.”

 ~

 Bradford scribbled a bit of nothing on his notepad.

 “So you think you’re handling the shooting all right?”

 “Yeah. I’m fine.”

 “You know what? I agree.”

 “Great.” Colby said and went to stand up.

 “Sit down.” Bradford said firmly. “You’ve been quiet, and you’ve requested the slot before lunch, which means you got a lot you want to say but for whatever reason you’re not saying it.”

 Colby shifted uncomfortably. “It’s...ah...it’s personal.”

 “That’s what counseling is for, working out the personal shit and still keeping it personal.”

 “It’s just, it doesn’t have anything to do with the job. I mean I love my job, I like my boss and coworkers, and catching bad guys, could do without the paperwork but...”

 “So you got something going on at home that’s twisting your head around?”

 “It’s nothing big. I mean it’s probably really generic.”

 “Well I can’t know unless you tell me.”

 Colby ran his hand through his hair a couple of times. “I...um...I met someone and for a year it was just a sporadic, physical thing and then about six, seven months ago it started to get more...um...romantic I guess, but I think I might be in love, but I don’t know how the other person feels ‘cause they’re not always really great with the emotional share thing, which is the pot calling the kettle black I know, but this is a little different from my two other sorta long term relationships, and I think I really have something real with this person, but they’re not my usual type and they’ve got some problems of their own and it’s all just a little confusing.”

 Bradford studied Colby. “I wonder if it’s something in the water.” he said softly. “So you came to California and fell for a guy and now you’re all confused?”

 Colby’s jaw dropped open. “How..?”

 “I’m a born and raised Californian son, you think I’ve never heard country boys play the adverb game before?”

 Colby blinked a few time. “Um...yeah...it’s a guy.”

 “And you’re having an identity crisis?”

 Colby thought about it. “Not really. It’s...uh...actually other stuff that’s weirding me out more.”

 “Well that’s good ‘cause I’ve already got a stack of those to deal with. So tell me about this guy.”

 Colby shrugged. “Um...He’s smart. I mean really smart, and sexy, and funny, and kinda weird, and he can be so scattered and yet so focused when he’s working on a problem, and his family’s great but they don’t know except his brother who nearly broke my jaw, and did I mention smart, and every time he walks into the office everyone looks at him and I just want to tear off those suits of him with my teeth and fuck him in front of everyone and write property of Colby Granger across his chest which I know is possibly possessive on an unhealthy level but I want to climb on the roof and just shout to the world that I think I’m in love with this smart sexy wonderful man and if everyone could stop oggling him for just five minutes while I work this out...”

 “Holy shit you’re in love with Charlie Eppes.” Bradford said suddenly. Colby froze his eye’s going wide. “Oh, I said that out loud didn’t I?” Colby nodded. Bradford let out a long breath. “Ok. Don’t talk for a moment.” Bradford got up pulled a piece of paper out of a file, signed it and handed it to Colby. “That piece of paper says you’re fine to use your discretion to shoot anyone you damn well please. Now this is me putting away my notepad.” He tossed it in a drawer. “And this is me going to lunch.” Bradford opened his office door and closed it again then sat back down across from Colby. “Now talk.”

 “About what?” Colby asked.

 “Look it, most of what I hear is ‘there’s too much stress’, ‘the boss doesn’t like me’, ‘my home life sucks’. Then your boyfriend goes and develops fashion sense and suddenly I have half the women complaining their husbands are dumb slobs and half the guys in a panic ‘cause they’re having dirty dreams about short mathematicians and are afraid that they’re about to break into show tunes. Now everyone knows Charlie’s got a girl or at least had one and rumor is that he’s got something on the side and it’s male and now I find out it’s you.” Colby dropped his head blushing a little. “Now I’ve talked with Charlie for one hour and didn’t get to scratch the surface of that boy’s problems but I seriously doubt whatever problems you’re having or things you may be feeling are coming solely from you. Psychology may be a one on one thing but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. So tell me what is it about you and Charlie that’s giving you the most problems and I’ll see if I can’t think of something to help the both of you.”

 Colby took a deep breath. “I can’t.”

 “Why not?”

 “They’re not...Charlie has...Charlie has secrets and they’re not mine to tell.”

 “But they’re weighing on you, they involve you.”

 Colby nodded. “I know. I’m just...I have a terror of someone finding out and I know it’s really Charlie’s terror but it’s become mine and...we’ve made promises...and I can’t let him…” Colby had begun to curl in on himself; he looked smaller, more vulnerable to Bradford, almost as if he was channeling Charlie. It was an odd thing to see from such a usually confident guy.

 “Colby, I can promise nothing you say will leave this room. There’s nothing being recorded, no notes are being taken. Even if it’s immoral or illegal at this point you need to feel free to say it probably just as much it needs to be dealt with.” Colby nodded.

 “Charlie...Charlie is ...um...he’s a masochist.”

 “Well that’s not a completely unusual thing.” Colby shook his head franticly.

 “No...no...you don’t get it...it’s not a sex thing...well sometimes but not really...that’s the low grade stuff. I mean. If I don’t...” Colby felt nausea form in his stomach as if he’d have to vomit out the words. “If I don’t ...he has me … beat him, at least once a month. Severely, he...If I don’t…he looses the ability to function, to think about things other than numbers and before...before this...he would let it go too long...he’d do terrible things to himself or get other people to do terrible things to him, and his doctor says it’s only luck that he’s even still alive and luck that no one knows and it’s not like he’s suicidal or anything, he just needs the pain to clear the numbers out of his head, but any ability for self preservation turns off when that need becomes too much and he just dangles himself over the abyss. I’m so afraid that if people find out they’ll take him away or drug him up and I’m so afraid that if we make this a real formal relationship and it goes bad then there will be no one he can trust not too go to far and he’ll go back to doing stupid, stupid things that could get him killed and I can’t handle the thought of that.”

 Bradford lend back in his chair. He’d been afraid that Charlie’s problem was, in a way, so much worse, he’d been half afraid words like pedophile or incest would come from Colby’s lips. Still Colby was shaking in his chair arms wrapped around himself like a frightened child.

 “Colby, it’s ok.” Colby had begun to rock back and forth a little. “Hey look at me a sec. That hurt coming out, I know, but I was expecting far worse. I’m not calling the men in white coats to haul you and Charlie away. Understand?” Colby gave a tight nod. “Ok. Now. Can you tell me how you found out about this? I take it he didn’t just walk up and tell you.”

 Colby shook his head. “No.” He said in a whisper.

 “Can you tell me?” Colby shook his head again, the memory of the smell of piss and spilled beer in that alley, assaulted him. He sucked air through his teeth trying not to smell what wasn’t even there. “Colby, I think you need to tell me. Just the memory is obviously hurting you.”

 Colby took a few deep gasps of air.

 “Colby.”

 “He was in the bar and acting weird all night.” Colby began slowly. “Twitching, and everyone had left but me and he starts to chat up this LAPD thug just out of the blue. I figure if he gets pounded Don’ll kill me, so I drag him out to the alley to yell at him and he comes at me, except he’s not really fighting, he just kept swinging at me and I kept knocking him down harder and harder and he was giggling, like it was a game. And he kept getting up for something like ten minutes and I was so mad ‘cause it was just so stupid and I pinned him to the ground I said what is going on? He said…” Colby had closed his eyes, and was nearly whispering through clenched teeth.

 “What did he say?” Colby shook his head. “What did he say?” Bradford asked again.

 “Hurt me. Three times. Hurt me.”

 “Did you?” Colby gave a sharp nod. “Do I want to know how?” Colby gave an equally sharp shake of the head. “Ok. Afterwards, how did you feel?”

 “Sick. Dead. If he cried I would have eaten my gun.”

 “But there were no tears?”

 “He screamed into his hand. I can still hear it. But he when he looked at me it was just calm. Peace.” Colby had opened his eyes and was looking at his own hands. “He had glass in his hands. He held them up and the blood ran down and he smiled like it was the punch line to a joke.” Colby became silent studying his own palms.

 “Then what happened?”

 “I took him home, cleaned him up, made him tell me why? And I was so mad that he’d sucked me into his warped head space and I’m still there.” Colby said a desperate crack to his voice. “I didn’t throw him out, or yell, or tell Don, or call the funny farm. I didn’t walk away.”

 “What did you do?”

 “I told him to come back.” Colby said with a half sob, half laugh. “I told him he was too important to be left in the hands of some stranger.”

 “And he came back?”

 “He came back and I gave him what he wanted, and after I told him he couldn’t hurt himself anymore, and he couldn’t go to other people, and he had to see a doctor, and no more blood, and I laid down all these rules and he calls it the Arrangement, and the whole time I’m screaming at myself ‘what the hell are you doing, this isn’t you?’ but it must be me, because every time he came over and said hurt me, said make the numbers go away, I would, I do.” Colby felt his stomach turn over he didn’t want to look up, see the disgust and judgment he was sure would be there.

 Bradford quietly cursed Charlie Eppes. The boy was playing some serious mind games with Agent Granger and Colby was playing into every move from the sounds of it. He let Colby sit quietly for a minute so he could pull his thoughts together.

 “So what changed, how’d it go from hurt me to I’m in love?”

 Colby took a few deep breaths. “Don. Don found out. He came by my apartment, nearly broke my jaw, pulled his gun.”

 “Really?”

 “Um…to Don’s credit he showed restraint. Really in the same situation I would have probably shot first and asked questions later.” Bradford made a mental note of that. “We had a long talk, I think he might have guessed that there was something wrong with Charlie but denial is an amazing thing. He…um… he told me that if I wasn’t getting anything out of it then it wasn’t really fair and I should at least get Charlie to take me out for coffee and I should get my own head together ‘cause if I didn’t then it was just the crazy leading the crazy.”

 “That’s actually good advice.”

 Colby nodded in agreement. He was on more stable footing talking about Don. “Don plays dumb the same way Charlie plays klutzy. You’ve never seen Don in the field. He’s a fucking genius. I would have killed to have him in Afghanistan, but put him in a room with Charlie and his IQ drops 20 points. With Charlie, god the man can move like a dancer, but around people, especially Don, he trips on things, bumps into people so when he takes a header down a hill and cracks three ribs no one will guess it was on purpose.”

 “So tell me about the last six months.”

 “They’ve been…nice. We…um…we go out when we can, Charlie spends the night sometimes. Not so much since Amita left ‘cause he doesn’t have a cover now and he’s not up for Don and Alan knowing. And I like him.” Colby took a deep breath. “I love him. He’s so full of light. He couldn’t blend into a room if he tried and when the numbers aren’t crushing him he takes so much joy in all of it, and his family is great and he’s so good with his students and I get to make him pancakes, which he doesn’t even like but eats them anyways ‘cause it’s the only thing I can cook, and once you get past the math we like a lot of the same stuff, music and movies and books that don’t have quantum theory in the title, and sometimes we go for long walks up in the hills, and the sex is mind blowing and when we have bad days we can just hold each other and I love him so much in those moments it hurts.”

 “It sounds nice.”

 “It is. It’s really, really nice. There’s just this one…splinter in him and I don’t know how it got there and I don’t know how to pull it out and I can’t pretend I don’t want it there some days because…oh god…the power he gives me over him. Complete surrender and it’s like electricity knowing that every sound and cry and touch is mine and he’s so broken, and he’s so beautiful.” Colby could feel the tears on his face but didn’t move to wipe them away. He looked at Bradford hoping there’d be some simple answer looking back.

 Dr. Bradford closed his eyes and took a few breaths.

 “Ok. You’re going to hate to hear this but the first thing you need to do is talk to Charlie. And I wish you luck.” Colby gave a chuckle for a half a breath. “You need to explain to him that you’re not always fully comfortable with certain aspects of your relationship and Don is right. He may be getting his jollies but it’s got to be both ways.”

 “You think he’s using me?” Colby asked.

 “I think he chose you.”

 “Chose me?”

 “Yes. I think his approach needs a little work, but he didn’t have to try to chat up that cop in front of you, didn’t have to come at you later, didn’t have to tell you why, didn’t have to go home with you, certainly didn’t have to come back. You laid down some fairly binding rules. He’s followed them?” Colby gave a nod. “When you wanted to make it more than physical he didn’t have to go along, he already had a girlfriend. Do you know how long he’s been engaging in self abusive activities?”

 Colby shook his head. “I’m not sure. Since he was a kid, six at least.” Bradford made a mental note of that. Masochistic tendencies at that age were, aside from being rare, not really connected with sex. That had to have come later.

 “So he’s had this secret most of his life and maybe he hit the point where he needed someone else to know, maybe he realized either on a conscious or unconscious level that he could no longer trust himself to keep himself safe, maybe he was just lonely with his secret and on some level he chose you to help him carry all that pain. Maybe he thinks you’re strong enough. Maybe he likes you.”

 Colby was quiet. He hadn’t though of it that way. He always assumed that Charlie would have gone after anyone there that night. Of course would anyone else have done what Colby did after?

 “Now admittedly his approach wasn’t exactly fair to you but you didn’t exactly say no either, and if you’re really in love well then you’re well and truly stuck.” Colby winced a little then gave a slight laugh.

 “What’s funny?”

 “I was just remembering, when I was a kid, before everything went really PC, I had this story book and there was one about Br’er Rabbit and he was punching the tar baby just getting more and more stuck.”

 “Are you afraid you’re going to get tossed head first into the briar patch?”

 Colby nodded “I’ve been there before and it sucks.”

 “We’ve all been there.” Bradford leaned across the table and actually patted Colby on the hand. “Charlie needs help, professional help, and for more than just this, truthfully though if this is something so totally ingrained in him even if a root cause can be found that splinter may not be coming out. So you need to ask yourself how much does this outweigh the good and happy times you’ve been having of late. How much of this is fear of Charlie’s darkness and how much of this is fear of something dark you see in yourself?”

 Colby winced again. He knew that was the real nail on the head. He was terrified of what Charlie was capable of doing to himself or letting other people do to him but he was just as terrified of the part in him that loved to fuck Charlie’s ass when it’s firry hot from the blows laid down by his own hand.

 “Ok.” Bradford said. “I think we’ve given each other enough to chew on for now.”

 “Yeah.”

 “Make an appointment to come back in a couple of weeks. Talk to Charlie. I don’t expect you to be able to make progress right away. Any speed faster than glacial and I’ll be impressed but if you can get him to agree to see someone I can recommend someone who’s understanding and discreet.”

 Colby nodded. “Thank you. I…thank you.”


 
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
 
kabloinko: Charbykabloinko on January 21st, 2008 08:01 pm (UTC)
Yay, update! :D Gonna run off to read it in a bit, just started reading the Vignettes again.. I so so soooo love Part 27: A Thing :D Back in a bit with some feedback on this!
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
In a couple of weeks I might have a little more for Vignettes. I have four half finished serious pieces for it I've just kinda been here in Whitman verse 'cause the muse has been very loud and demanding about it.
Jestana: #s: Charliejestana on January 21st, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
Is it bad of me that I saw the summary and immediately thought of something that had nothing to do with a psychologist? *grin*

This is just amazing. It's a little scary, but you're handling it so well. Please continue.

Oh, I loved Bradford's realization. *snerk*
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
I have fun with Bradford. It's so handy to have an in cannon shrink.

And fair warning in the next couple of day's it's getting scarier.

Glad you're enjoying it.
(no subject) - jestana on January 21st, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ladygray99 on January 22nd, 2008 04:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
batgurl10batgurl10 on January 21st, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
i am in love with your brain!!
Keep em coming--I heart how REAL your making this seem. Not just for kinky sex--although thats good too--LOL
but your doing it right!!!
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I always try for some sort of real motivation to any action even if it's not stated directly in the story. Too many years of acting and script writing classes.
kabloinko: Charbykabloinko on January 21st, 2008 08:40 pm (UTC)
This part was every bit as good as I expected it to be :) I really liked your Bradford, and the fact that you didn't make Colby see some generic blahblahblaaah-shrink! So yay for Bradford \o/

The "I had this story book and there was one about Br’er Rabbit and he was punching the tar baby just getting more and more stuck.” “Are you afraid you’re going to get tossed head first into the briar patch?” - part had me a bit confused.. but I think that might be due to the fact that english isn't my first language so I might be a bit behind on stuff like that. I googled it just now though hehe.

I for one don't have any problems at all with the muse keeping you shackled in the Whitman verse ;P
And like always, eagerly awaiting the next part!
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
I always liked the Br'er Rabbit stories but I think my generation is one of the last to read them because they're now considered very politicly incorrect. Colby's at an age where he would have read them as a kid. Br'er Rabbit and the tar baby just seemed to fit so well here.
Devo79devo79 on January 21st, 2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
ahhh my Colby/Charlie fix.....nice :)

“That piece of paper says you’re fine to use your discretion to shoot anyone you damn well please."

Shit I want a piece of paper like that!
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
Don't we all ;-)
(Deleted comment)
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Mwahahahahaha!!!!!
irena_adler: Colby sadirena_adler on January 21st, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
Good for Bradford! Glad Colby talked to him.
ladygray99: Colbyladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
Well Colby knocked on my brain and went 'um...I really need to talk to someone.'
(Anonymous) on January 21st, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)
Just wanted to say, I'm riveted by this story.
Love your Colby.
Keep it coming.

Tayla
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks :-)
Gwaihiril: Megan rulesgwaihiril on January 21st, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)
I really liked this chapter, which surprised me a little, but I think I've been reading too much Stargate fic, which the psychologists are generally not helpful and the characters avoid talking to them. Also, I missed the Numb3rs episode with Bradford, so no idea what he was like, but I thought he was was really good. I liked how he dealt with Colby and got him to work through his relationship. I also really liked Colby's insight into Don. “Don plays dumb the same way Charlie plays klutzy. You’ve never seen Don in the field. He’s a fucking genius. I would have killed to have him in Afghanistan, but put him in a room with Charlie and his IQ drops 20 points.” That's so true, but it feels like too often fanfic authors and even the show itself forget that the head of an FBI team must be smart. Kudos to you for mentioning it.
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 21st, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
Glad you like it. Bradford is an ex-cop and a real hard ass that didn't buy any of Don's shit. It's handy to have a good shrink in cannon. They have bits of the original pilot on the first season DVD's, the actor that originally played Don was huge, blond and kinda thuggish. Aside from not buying that he was genetically related to Charlie you could buy that he headed up an FBI team. The Don we got now is a bit better.
ig_nobleigh: Brothers Eppesig_nobleigh on January 21st, 2008 11:46 pm (UTC)
Hurray! I love Bradford! I can SEE him through that whole scene, you do his voice really well. I love what he said about Charlie choosing Colby. Trust Charlie to turn what in another person would have been a little crush into dirty sex in an alley followed by a largescale bdsm relationship. And Charlie choosing him not using brings sweetness to a assez dark story.

*sigh* Poor Colby. It's gonna take him long enough to get his own head around this situation (and his own darkness), and being teh good guy he is, he's gotta bash his head against Charlie's walls trying to get him help too, doesn't he?

Can't wait for the next bit!
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 22nd, 2008 03:34 am (UTC)
Well Charlie never does things by halfs. And he is useing Colby a little. Remember Charlie is used to getting what he wants when he wants it and he's not used to getting no for an answer. And yes Colby does have some massive walls to bang his head against. Charlie is going to have to consider changing some fundimental aspects of himself as is Colby. They're both going to have to realize some truths about themselfs and each other. And do you think I'm going to make it easy. Oh hell no *eg*
shara50 on January 22nd, 2008 12:34 am (UTC)
Excellent and I love Bradford in this!!
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 22nd, 2008 03:35 am (UTC)
I like him too. Having a good cannon shrink is nice.
(Anonymous) on January 22nd, 2008 09:20 pm (UTC)
Poor Colby dealing with the darkness of Charlie (and himself). I'm glad that Bradford is throwing Colby a lifeline to hold on to while he tries to sort out this Arrangement. And I can see in the series where Don thinks himself to be stupid when Charlie is around and Charlie thinks himself to be a klutz when Don is around. They do so need to see Bradford again together.

Twins' Mom
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 23rd, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
Oh I think they should toss in Alan for good measure. get the entire Eppes clan on the couch.
Queen of Useless Knowledge: Sofademarcos_btoast on January 22nd, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
Wow.... I felt like I just did time on a couch. It was that intense. Colby pouring his heart just pulled on the heart strings.

Fabulous.

And the bit about Br'er Rabbit made me chuckle. I loved reading those books as a kid. The glacial pacing comment had me in stitches as well. :D
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 22nd, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)
Glad I could give you a laugh as well as a pull on the heart strings.
(no subject) - demarcos_btoast on January 22nd, 2008 10:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Icarus Iso: Tribal Tiger - Remixicarus_iso on August 25th, 2008 10:08 am (UTC)
Bradford would have to be my second favourite TV shrink.

Loved how the whole thing seemed to flow, and Bradford's realisation and reaction. I remember the Br’er Rabbit stories! I'm going to have to dig them out now and read them again.
ladygray99ladygray99 on August 25th, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC)
:-) Bradford is very handy to have around for these stories. Glad you liked the flow. I always work hard on that.
(Deleted comment)
ladygray99ladygray99 on November 24th, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)
No Colby is very smishable. and yes Charlie is a bit of a manipulative bastard in this. Remember he's used to getting what he wants the way he wants and he wants Colby.