Prompt: #196 Strength
Word count: 300
Pairing: Charlie/Ian, Team
Warning: Previous underage sexual abuse. Mental health problems.
Summary: It’s Ian’s raw strength of mind that lets him not remember.
Notes: Written for numb3rs100, part of A Silk Pillow ‘verse. Okay everyone the next twenty or so drabbles are an arch that is going to go into Ian's past. It's going to touch on abuse and go into serious mental ill-health. Bradford’s going to put in a good sized appearance. Just a warning. I don't want to trigger something in someone else. That being said I’d really like people feelings on these drabbles. They weren’t as easy as I would have liked.
Things Not Remembered (#196 Strength)
The thing is Ian remembers but he doesn’t remember. His mind doesn’t let him.
He remembers how comforting hugs turned into touches, turned into sex, turned into a collar and leash, turned into beatings, meals on the floor, if he was good.
He remembers but he doesn’t. He remembers like it happened to someone else, like it was something he read, like the case file of some poor kid not him.
He remembers going to school, he’s not sure how but he did. He can’t imagine how no one noticed the silence, the weight loss but he can’t remember anyone ever asking. Not that he would have told. It doesn’t matter though. In Ian’s mind it happened to someone else, not him.
He remembers but he doesn’t the taste of gin, the feel of pills slipped between his lips, looking over seeing a needle and ink begin to crawl across his arm.
Ian remembers what He said. Ian refuses to think His name. What He said was ‘You’re mine, this makes you mine, I own you, always, my perfect toy, you earned this, you want this.’ That’s what He said.
Ian remembers but doesn’t feeling loved in that moment.
Ian remembers but doesn’t the final beating His fists coming down again and again.
Ian remembers but doesn’t waking cold in an alley, naked, a few clothes tossed in a bag, His idea of mercy.
Ian’s mind doesn’t let him properly remember this and that’s how he gets through his days, how he eats and sleeps and works and lets Charlie touch him.
Then a dark haired boy is found dead in a park with rope burns and whip marks, and His mark drawn on the boy's arm. And Ian’s strength of mind begins to slip and he begins to remember.